Word of the Day: Vagina

Vagina
[vah-ji´nah]

–noun
1. The area between a girl's legs.
2. The proper word. Not to be confused with vajayjay or any other made-up synonym thrown around by grown adults.

Origin:
Sometime around 2005. There comes a time in every young boy's life when they accuse their mother of having a penis. I acted like a responsible adult and explained that boys have a penis and girls have a vagina. End of discussion.

Popular Quotes:
Daycare Teacher (DT): "E had a hard time listening today. He also had to speak with K (the Director) after I heard him talking with his friends about a certain body part."
Me: "What? What part?"
DT: "Rhymes with China."
Me. "Vagina?"
DT: "Yes." (Editor's Note: Two points for me!)
Me: "What was he saying?"
DT: "He was playing tag and yelled it across the playground."
Me: "Ok. We'll discuss. Thank you."

Two minutes later...
Me: "Why in the world were you yelling vagina across the playground?"
E: "I don't understand why I'm in trouble. We were playing Chinese Freeze Tag and J didn't understand the rules. He needed to unfreeze L, so I told him to crawl under her vagina."
Me: "You yelled 'crawl under her vagina!' across the playground?! Come on, bub, you know better. Why didn't you tell him to crawl between her legs?"
E: "That would have worked, too."

(Editor's Note: I apologize in advance for any parents who were faced with questions about crawling under a vagina. Please don't label me as that Mom.)

School: unnecessary paperwork

Ah, science projects. A time to experiment. A time to test the boundaries of your world and expand your knowledge.

Unless, of course, you're a genius (ahem). In which case experiments are an unnecessary exercise in documenting things you already know.

("We already know that sounds travels best through air.")

He does, however, enjoy this kind of project. E is E's favorite subject.

It always makes me laugh to go through his school work. God bless you, Mrs. X. You have your hands full with this boy!

Cleaning time is no time for fun

"Cleaning Time is Fun Time" started about 2 hours ago. I turned up the radio and told him we were going to get this place clean and have fun dancing at the same time. He frowned initially, but I explained that it wasn't a bad thing - it was a fun thing! He believed me because I was so excited...and actually started cleaning after I threatened him.

E walked into the living room an hour later:

E: "Why are you sitting? On Facebook?!"
Me: "Just taking a quick break to check something. About to get started again."
E: "You didn't tell me it was break time."
Me: "You're doing so great in there! I'm so proud of you!"
E: "How long is break time?"
Me: "Done now. Getting back to work."
E: "If you're done in here, can you please help me with my room?"
Me: "I'm not done. See? Still a mess in here."
E: "I know. That's my point."

Since 3/4 of the things he said are things that I've previously said to him, I'm going to list this chat in the W column since he apparently listens to me. Sometime.

Go bless yourself

Me: *Earth-rattling sneeze*
E:   .....
Me: "Hello?"
E: "What?"
Me: "I sneezed."
E: "Oh. I didn't hear you."
Me: "You're close enough for me to touch. How did you not hear that?"
E: *shrug*

60 seconds later:

Me: *Earth-rattling sneeze*
E:   .....
Me: "You didn't hear that one?"
E: "Did you sneeze again?"
Me: "Yes. It was loud."
E: "Sorry. I'm listening to this song. Can you please turn it up a little?"

2 minutes later:

Me: *Earth-rattling sneeze*
E: "I heard it that time."
Me: "And?"
E: "It was loud."
Me: "What do you say when someone sneezes?"
E: "Excuse me?"
Me: "No...."
E: "Oh. Bless you."

5 minutes later:

Me: *Earth-rattling sneeze*
E: "Excuse you."

Sigh. Progress?

Calming him depresses me

E: "Mom! There's something wrong with my skin!"
Me: "What? What's wrong?"
E: "When I was in the shower, I noticed that my skin is really straight."
Me: "Straight? What are you talking about?"
E: "It doesn't have any bumps or wrinkles."
Me: "It's not supposed to have bumps or wrinkles."
E: "Then why is your skin so bumpy and wrinkly?"
Me: "What?! It's not bumpy and wrinkly."
E: (Pointing to my stomach and rubbing his cheek) "Like here on you."
Me: "Well, some bumps and wrinkles just happen when you get older."
E: "So my skin is fine? It's just 'cuz I'm young?"
Me: "Yes, love."
E: "And yours is like that because you're older?"
Me: "And because I have you."

It's a mom thing

Me: "E, why are these toys back in my purse?"
E: "I found them in my room."
Me: "Right. That's where I put them after I took them out of my purse."
E: "I thought that was an accident."
Me: "No, I don't want them in here."
E: "But I like them there. If we go somewhere and I get bored, it's good for you to have them."
Me: "So why don't you bring them if we're going somewhere?"
E: "I don't think about stuff like that."
Me: "I don't want all of this stuff weighing down my purse. It's heavy."
E: "It's a mom thing. I count on you for that."

Blatant omission of bubbles

Location of the crime: My bathroom.
Evidence: An empty bottle of body wash.
Suspect: E, of course. Last seen taking a shower last night.

This morning, 6am:

Me: "E! This bottle was brand new! What happened, bud?"
E: "Nothing. It was almost empty."
Me: "Was not! I just opened it on Friday."
E: "Right. But it was almost empty after it spilled."
Me: "It spilled? How?"
E: "When I took the lid off, it spilled all over the place."
Me: "Why did you take the lid off?"
E: "I don't know. It probably wasn't a good idea."
Me: "Well, no, it wasn't---"
E: "---But it was crazy. There were bubbles everywhere! It almost filled up the whole tub!"
Me: "What?! How come you didn't say anything about it when you got out of the shower?"
E: "I figured it wasn't the best way to end our night. It was almost bedtime."
Me: "You need to let me know next time."
E: "I will. But we'll forget all about this by the time we get home tonight, right?"

He admires average people

We had E's Open House tonight at school. He had to write a paper in class about who he admires and he decided to write it about me. He wrote about how I'm so smart, how I help him with his homework, and how I know how to spell almost every word so he usually trusts me when I tell him that he got one wrong.

I was having a sweet moment of pride, and thought I'd include E. It was a mistake.

Me: "Thanks for writing that awesome paper about me!"
E: "You're welcome."
Me: "And thanks for saying you think I'm really smart! That was sweet."
E: "You're welcome. You're usually pretty smart."

We walked halfway down the hall before it occurred to me that he said usually.

Me: "Wait. You said usually. You don't think I'm smart all the time?"
E: "We all make mistakes sometimes."
Me: "Right. But you can make mistakes and still be smart at the same time."
E: "Really smart people don't make a lot of mistakes, though."
Me: "Wait - you think I make a lot of mistakes?"
E: "We learn from mistakes. And then we're smarter."

Word of the Day: Weenus

Weenus
[WEE-nuhs]

–noun
1. The area between a boy's legs.
2. A word that once became so overused that it was banned from our home.

Origin:
Sometime around 2009. I'm pretty sure he learned it at school, but it's entirely possible that he picked it up from some show that a responsible parent wouldn't allow their child to watch. Your guess is as good as mine.

Popular Quotes:
E: "Ow! I just fell down and I think I broke my weenus."
Me: "What have I said about saying weenus?"
E: "That you don't like the word weenus."
Me. "Ok, then. Stop saying it."
E: "Fine. I'll have to come up with another word that means the same thing as weenus."

(Editor's Note: While he's off reinventing the wheel, silence is being savored.)

The Y chromosome is allergic to Kohl's

Random tidbits from our shopping adventure today:

5 minutes after walking in to the store:
E: "Are we almost done?"
Me: "No. We just got here."
E: "Is there something specific you need?"
Me: "Just shopping around."
E: "Then why are we here?"
Me: "I want to look for some shirts."
E: "Sounds specific to me."
---
Later, in regards to the mannequins:

E: (As loud as possible) "Do these things have private parts?"
Me: "Shhh. Not really."
E: "Then why did they put underwear on them?"
Me: "I guess they're trying to show us what the underwear would look like when you're wearing it."
E: "I don't think it would look like that on real people."
Me: "I agree, son."
---
E: "Do you like that shirt you're holding?"
Me: "Yes."
E: "I don't think that color is pretty. But sometimes we don't agree."
---
E: "I like that shirt. But it does kind of make your butt look big."
(Please note that I only tried on a shirt. I was wearing the same pants I wore to the store.)
---
E: "Are these the shoes Tony Hawk always wears?"
Me: "No, but I think he helped design them."
E: "What?! Why would Tony Hawk waste his time on shoes? Don't girls usually make shoes?"
Me: "No way. Boys and girls both make shoes."
E: "Weird."
---
Me: "Let's go get you some new underwear."
E: "Why? I have a lot of underwear."
Me: "But you need new stuff. They're getting worn down."
E: "No, look - the ones I'm wearing are fine."
Me: "There a hole right there in the waistband."
E: "Only one, though."
---
E: "Are we done here?"
Me: "Yeah, we can go ahead and go."
E: "I'm exhausted."
Me: "Me too."
E: "My feet are tired."
Me: "My brain is tired."

Parent-Teacher Conference: A Poem

E is so special, so smart, and so sweet,
He’s always the first to help someone in need.
His testing is awesome, look here – a big jump!
He’s always the first one to line up for lunch.
His friends think he’s funny, they laugh all the time,
If he had a stage, that’s where he’d truly shine.
But here in the classroom, we have quite a struggle,
Since our little clown cannot seem to juggle,
The work that’s required despite all the laughs,
So sometimes he sits in the front of the class.
I’ve seen quite a change in the last two weeks,
His attention span broadened, his quality peaked.
It’s been much better lately, this much I can say,
(Me) “Well, yeah, since he knew we were meeting today.”

When in doubt, be vague

Here's a life tip, E:

In school, the correct answer to a question is rarely in the form of another question. You would have had a 50/50 shot with Yes or No. Just sayin'.

At least he can spell, right?

While eating dinner...

E: "Some kids at school were saying a bad word today."
Me: "They were? That's not good."
E: "Yep. They were talking about TFC (Texas Football Club) but instead of saying football, they said a different word that starts with F."
Me: "That's a really bad word. I'm glad you weren't saying that word."
E: "Oh, I know. Do you know which word I'm talking about?"
Me: "Yep. Not good."
E: "The one that starts with F and the next letter is U?"
Me: "Yes. Not a good word."
E: "I know. I would never say that. The next letter is C?"
Me: "No more spelling. I know the word. It's definitely a bad one, and I'm glad you know better than to use that word."
E: "Well, yeah. I'd get in big trouble if I ever said the F_#_#_# word."

Me, staring blankly at him.

E: "That's the word you were thinking of, right?"